Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

I had a dream last night that I was moving from Jenkintown to Delaware. In the dream, I had lived in Jenkintown a second time, and was moving back to Delaware yet again, which I know because I had memories in the dream of my past move.

I was in a cafe with people and I suddenly had this shocked realization that my move date was only a week away and I hadn't yet reserved a truck.

I also hadn't actually seen my apartment yet, but I had this really deep trust that it was a really beautiful apartment. I then went over to view it, because I wanted to see what it looked like before I actually moved. I asked the landlord about whether or not it was hard to move stuff in because of the stairs, and he said it actually was, that the stairs were a little narrow, and that made me nervous, but he said the apartment itself was spacious. When I saw it I was relieved and really happy. It was a beautiful apartment on the second floor of a house, it was full of windows and surrounded by trees and felt perfect. Like I felt so excited and happy about living there. I don't remember who my roommate was but I had one roommate who was a girl but it wasn't a girlfriend or anything. The kitchen was very bright blue, and was really big. The ceilings were a little low but not too low and it made it cozy. There was soft fuzzy carpet in most rooms. I loved the apartment so much. I imagined myself inviting people over to play board games, or sprawled out on the floor reading something or doing some sort of work. There was a peaceful quality of the apartment that reminded me of my first apartment in Delaware, on Benny Street, but it was much nicer and bigger.

Most of the windows looked out on lush trees, but the one window in the room I was probably going to take as my bedroom, looked out onto a graveyard that had been turned into a parking lot. It was weird because there were little islands of land with graves on them but most of it had just been paved over. Behind the lot / graveyard was a stream, and this area was part of a college campus.

And when I went out in the yard, there was an altercation, I don't remember how it started, but campus police were crossing the stream and one of the cops had a prosthetic leg, and was wading through the stream but the bottom was rocky so he was being cautious because he wasn't quite as agile because of his leg. And something happened that I didn't see, on the other side of the stream, and it turned into a riot, and campus police were tazing people. I wasn't near the riot but I watched it from a distance, but as it started to get bigger I backed off and I was kinda running away from it, and then a cop saw me running away, and came up to me and said I looked suspicious and was interrogating me, and I was trying to explain that I hadn't been anywhere near the riot, I had just gotten scared and wanted to get away from it, and he didn't seem to be believing me.


I'm not 100% sure what this dream means. I think a lot of the feelings and occurrences are things that echo my experience of my recent actual move to Delaware, like the uncertainty about not seeing the apartment, but knowing and trusting that I was really going to love the apartment. And the sorts of things I imagined are sorts of things I would do and have been doing here in Delaware, even though the place isn't carpeted. I think the apartment itself actually is inspired by my old apartment on Benny street because it's so similar with the surrounding windows and the view of trees, the fuzzy carpet, and low ceilings with a cozy feel. But the kitchen was something different.

The blue color of the kitchen really popped out and was almost a bit too much for me but I liked the kitchen and the apartment so much that it caused me to perceive the apartment as cheerful. I think this is symbolic of something deep about my personality. I think I have come to realize that in order to be fully myself and be happy, I need to let this sort of cheerful person inside me come out, and it's something that I maybe still have some reservations about. It's like, I think I was socially conditioned when I was younger and still receive some social conditioning in our society to act "cool" and not express beyond a certain level of enthusiasm. Like I think this is associated partly with masculinity and partly with adulthood, two norms I've been pretty strongly rejecting lately, but not without apprehension or hesitation. So I think the kitchen represents these things in my dreams. The bright color I think is prominently connected to these things because I've bought a lot of brightly-colored socks lately, which I think is a bridge between the tangible color and abstract concepts.

The graveyard and parking lot I think symbolizes something deep I feel about our society.  To interpret this part I want to first explain what parking lots and graveyards mean or symbolize to me. I hate parking lots and I tend to see or think of them as symbolic of car use and resource consumption.  I've had a parking lot out my window, and it's something I dislike, a view I don't want.  Graveyards are something I feel complex about.  I also, honestly, don't like them, and I also see them as unsustainable (because you can't keep taking up land for bodies because people keep dying), and I think about sustainable burial practices a lot and most graveyards are really far from them.  But graveyards are also something that I think tends to be viewed as holy or sacred or worthy of protection, in our society.  So I think that the fact that I saw these two things out the window, symbolizes how our society has been expanding economically, in unsustainable ways, but it also demonstrates the conflict in our society--that some aspects of our society (like the economic growth and resource usage, i.e. the parking lot) are infringing on others we consider holy or sacred (the graveyard).  I also think the graveyard becoming smaller symbolizes how I see the influence of religion weakening greatly in our society.  I also think that the feelings I had towards the graveyard were similar to the feelings I have towards religion...on some level I really want / appreciate it and even enjoyed seeing it out my window.  But on some other level it's done in a way I don't like or want and so I don't feel very good about it.  (Whether it's the burial practices, or how organized religion works.)

The last part of the dream, I'm not sure exactly what it means.  When the campus cop goes to cross the stream and I realize he has a prosthetic leg just as he's about to cross or wade through the stream, I think this may emphasize how there can be things about people that we don't know.  I think it symbolizes both how people might have something we consider a "handicap" yet can still function at a very high level (how the cop was running in an athletic way without me even noticing) but also how people might have actual handicaps that don't necessarily come out until a specific setting (like the cop had trouble wading across the stream because it was dark and the bottom surface was uneven and you don't get the same kind of feedback through a prosthetic leg as an actual foot).

The very last part of it I don't know how to interpret, but I think it has something to do with how confidence and nervousness influences people's interactions with you.  In the dream, I was running away from the riot, and nervous when the cop approached, and he seemed to assume or conclude that I had probably been involved in the riot or had been doing something wrong.  When I repeatedly asserted that I hadn't been involved and was just watching it from a distance and hadn't been doing anything wrong, he didn't seem to believe me.

I think that this exchange highlights a very real fear I feel sometimes when getting involved in various activities that are on the fringe of legality or ethics, things like protests.  On the one hand, I am curious about what is going on, and I often want to even engage with the activity, often ESPECIALLY if I don't agree with what people are doing, because I want to influence them in as positive a way as possible.  But I'm afraid of being caught with the people and found guilty by association.  In real life, I actually clear out of protest situations WAAAY before any sort of confrontation with police happens...like at the first sign that there might be trouble in the future, I usually completely remove myself.  I also think though that this fear exists in a much more broad or abstract sense.  For example, I like to participate in online communities where I don't agree with people, and I'm afraid sometimes of people "damning me by association", and this actually happened recently in a feminist subreddit where the one moderator banned me for merely participating in a particular other subreddit.

So yeah, that's that dream.  I think it connects to a lot of different things that I've been thinking about recently.